Boundaries: Part 2: Protecting Your Peace.

Boundaries are often a scary and highly avoided topic for many. People often struggle with identifying and communicating boundaries with themselves and others. Boundaries get a bad reputation, but in truth they are essential to creating healthy relationships and living with integrity. In part 1, I outlined what boundaries are, the difference between internal boundaries and external boundaries, where boundaries come from and how they change or stay the same over time. In this post, I will unpack more about boundaries, looking at how people come to know our boundaries, how we come to know our boundaries, why boundaries are so important in relationships (especially the relationship with yourself!), as well as how boundaries work in the context of families.

How Do People Know What Our Boundaries Are?

A boundary does not have to just be something that we dislike, it can also be something that we really like. “Oh! I really like to communicate with people frequently because it shows respect,” or “I really like to be on time because I think that's a very important quality.” Very often in unhealthy environments, we just assume that the other person will know our boundaries without us needing to actually check in and communicate them. This is very often a big part of why there's conflict around boundaries. We have expectations and the moment we have expectations of others, we set them up to fail. We set them up to disappoint us, especially when we fail to communicate those expectations. Sometimes, we assume that people know what we like and don't like, without having to tell them. When they fail to meet those expectations that we have never communicated, they've disappointed us and then we can be the victim and can feel angry and resentful.

When we come into a recovery space, whether it be the addict themselves or the family member/loved one of an addict, we come to a space where we begin realising that this is all about me and my journey and how I show up. Once we arrive in this space, then we have the ability, control and are fully entitled to say to someone, “You know, when you didn't show up at the arrangement yesterday, I felt very disappointed,” and share about how we feel. “I felt really disrespected and it didn’t leave me feeling positive and I was really let down.” It is important to be able to communicate how we feel, to someone else. Counselling can really help with this.

This is not about blaming or attacking the other person, it is about sharing how someone else's behaviour has directly impacted you and doing so in a helpful and constructive way. “When you were using and you didn't come home last night, I was absolutely terrified.” As opposed to “You're a bad person. Why did you do this again?” The second one goes into blaming, which comes from feeling like the victim. We want to be taking responsibility for how we feel and what we think and the more we practice communicating boundaries that don't feel so threatening, the more helpful it will be.

How Do We Start Communicating Our Boundaries?

Start with little boundaries, like asking people for help. These could be setting a boundary with children or people living in the house, that you will not leave the house messy. Maybe you start asking people to help keep things clean and to do the dishes. Often when I speak to people who live with roommates or flatmates, there's a sense of, “I always seem to be the one that's doing the dishes and everything's left chaotic.” Despite this feeling, there is a fear around actually talking about it. Recently, I asked someone how this talk went for her, was everything still messy? She said, “No not at all!” She mentioned the problem once to her flatmates and it's never happened again.

For me that's what's really important to understand about boundaries and communication. It doesn't have to take a lot of effort to be heard and understood. It doesn't even have to take a fight or conflict. Communicating in a clear and simple way like, “It's very difficult for me to prepare my food when I come to the kitchen and it’s dirty. Please clean the kitchen after using it.” Whatever the boundary is, it can be communicated as simply as that, giving the other person insight into why you feel the way you do. It doesn't need to be a fight; it can just be a conversation. I think this is the most valuable and important thing about learning to appreciate the importance of boundaries. There are many ways to effectively set and communicate healthy boundaries in a polite way.

Why Are Boundaries So Important?

Let’s think in two parts. We've got rules of the road, and we've got playing a game. I like to use these examples because it really simplifies things. When we play a game, for example, Monopoly, I think, “Well, that's fantastic. We're going to sit down and play Monopoly.” We all sit and we open this box and we don't know what's going on. We all just make up our own rules and we think we understand what needs to happen, but we don't. Then we start imagining everyone has the same ideas as us, we get frustrated and irritated when it's different and very often, very quickly, it falls apart. It's not going to be a pleasant experience.

On the other hand, if we want to play Monopoly and we ask if someone can please explain the rules, everything gets explained and everybody understands, then we can sit down and have a really fun time playing Monopoly. It's really simple. These are the rules and this is how we play. This creates a form and a structure and we feel safe and know what is expected. When there's no rules, we feel unsafe and unpredictable. One day, one thing is acceptable and the next day it's not. The clearer we can be about what exactly the rules of the game are, the more at peace we will be.

For rules of the road, imagine arriving in a country and suddenly there are all different signs or the traffic lights look very different and suddenly we just don't understand what's going on. Is it a one-way street? Isn't it a one-way street? What are we supposed to do? We panic. The more we understand the rules of the road, the easier it is to just drive where we need to go. No accidents, no confusion, everyone is just respecting the rules of the road and this makes it really simple. We don't have to worry about every car. What are they going to do? Why are they turning? Are they stopping? This is because we understand things like someone else’s right of way, this is a stop street, that is a yield sign. Whatever it is, we understand the symbol and we know what it means and as a result of clarity and mutual respect for the rules, it brings a sense of ease and comfort that allows it to continue to work.

Some family structures are characterised by poor communication, where there is little to no communication about anything difficult such as uncomfortable topics, where boundaries actually need to be set. In these families, what tends to happen is that the boundaries continue to not be communicated and individuals harbour negative feelings. For example, someone will continue to constantly do the dishes but be angry, frustrated and resentful in the background. In these families, these boundaries are never communicated, however everyone treats each other poorly and they don’t know why. It is because they are frustrated and they feel like their expectations have been violated. We don't give people an opportunity to meet our expectations and then set them up to fail so that we can be the victim in the situation and are entitled to be really angry and frustrated.

What’s Important to Understand About Boundaries?

One thing that's really important to understand about boundaries, and I say this a lot to my clients who are wanting to set boundaries with their loved ones who are addicts, is don't say or communicate a boundary if you're not willing to follow through on it. All that really happens is you undermine your own sense of authority and then it becomes an issue of what I say and what I do, don’t match up, so you can't trust me. You lose your integrity.

If I say to you, “If you come home late one more time, then you're going to be grounded.” Then when you come home late the next time, I justify, make excuses and rationalize it all away and there's no consequences. The next time I say, “Hey, if you come home late, there's going to be a consequence.” You think to yourself, “Yeah, yeah, you don't really mean what you say.” Also, what tends to happen is that the person understands that they cannot trust me. If I'm a parent, my child learns that they cannot trust me because what I say and want to do, don’t match up. Sometimes it is dependent on my mood. If I'm in a good mood, “Don't worry that you are late, it's not a problem. Come in, let's talk about it.” If I'm in a bad mood, “Well, God help you if you're late because now you're going to meet the absolute worst of me.” All this does is create this scary, murky water that feels the same as not knowing the rules of the game or the road. One day it’s yes, one day it's no. Constantly questioning what's going to happen today creates a lot of hyper-vigilance and a lot of unnecessary anxiety.

One of the easiest ways to reduce anxiety in the space of the family or work environment is to ask, “How do we want to function effectively as a team? What would be the best things to do?” For example, “Please can you stop helping yourself to food that is mine in the fridge, it's there for me.” It is okay to say that. Maybe I spend time packing really healthy lunches and by the time I want to go eat my food, half of it has been taken and I'm hungry for the rest of the day. This is a boundary that we can set which isn't being rude or disrespectful. The other person might not like it, but it very much is about being kind and respectful to myself at the end of the day.

The manner in which we communicate our boundaries can be very respectful. It is completely okay for someone to say, “I'm really sorry if this is offensive,” or “I understand if maybe you're not going to like this; however, this is important for me. You know, please don't do this again.” This is a great way to manage frustrating situations. If the issue continues to happen, then we can attend to it differently but initially, it really is about learning to communicate.

Some important aspects of boundary-setting include:

Establishing clear and realistic expectations
Being honest with oneself and others about what one is willing and able to do
Being consistent (it is not enough to set boundaries you must be willing to enforce them)
Having difficult conversations with loved ones
Saying no to situations that were once enjoyable/you would have previously said yes to
Prioritizing oneself over others

In addition to setting boundaries with others, it is also important to set boundaries with oneself and counselling can really assist with this process. By setting boundaries with oneself, individuals can build self-respect and self-esteem, which are crucial for long-term success. It can be helpful to learn how to set healthy boundaries.

Setting boundaries with oneself may include:

Limiting exposure to triggers
Limiting exposure to negative thought patterns
Practicing self-care
Prioritizing personal goals and aspirations

In this today’s digital world, it is important to set digital/technological boundaries with oneself and others. These help us honour our own needs and wellbeing. Here are some examples of digital boundaries you could consider.

How Do Boundaries Work in Families?

I encourage my clients to have fun with setting boundaries because it really is about communicating more of yourself to your loved ones, so that they really get to know you in more and more intimate ways. When this happens, then there's no need for guessing games. You can even be curious about other people's boundaries in the family and ask, “What do you like? What do you want?” Family situations can be tricky but there are certain tips to setting healthy boundaries with family members.

What is important for parents is inviting your children into conversations about boundaries. “What do you think is an appropriate boundary?” “How do you want to behave?” Get them involved, allow them to communicate freely in that space. I think it's really fun when we brainstorm with other people because we never know what they might come up with. I've got my limited beliefs or ideas about what we should do and maybe my daughter comes up with a really creative idea or my husband has an idea I hadn't thought of yet, which really simplifies my life too. So, having conversations around topics like, “How could we go about doing this? This is our home,” is very beneficial to everyone.

It could be that as children get older and older, you begin giving them more responsibility and help them learn to be independent. When I speak about co-dependency, it's about inviting and allowing people to become independent and this is a way to do that. Invite your children to be part of setting boundaries, being more independent and being more creative around different strategies and ways of communicating what we need from each other.

As children get older, we would need to be more flexible. A child of 14 may have very different boundaries around going out, where they can go and who they can go with, compared to a child of 19. Age-appropriate boundaries can be set and also adjusted. There will be some boundaries in a family that are fixed and also some boundaries in a family that are flexible. We can be open to conversation by realizing that different opinions, different boundaries and different ideas around boundaries is not a threat, but rather an opportunity to really learn about the other person.

We might find that there is compromise, so both people give in a little bit and we adjust to find the ultimate boundary. Maybe for one individual, at this time, unfortunately the request for the change in boundary is still no but they understand a little bit more as to why that might be. For example, if a 14-year-old wants to extend curfew or go places that parents are uncomfortable with, it is okay to say, “No, I don't feel safe, it doesn't feel right and I'm not happy to do that,” as an age-appropriate response. The child may not be happy but having the conversation at least leaves communication open, rather than just a no and then fighting and shouting. Things like explaining why we have these ideas and asking for other potential places that they could go that you would be willing to support, creates an opportunity for conversation.

It is important to ensure children learn and understand the importance of boundaries. It can be very helpful if parents try to understand some of the dynamics going on around children in order to teach them about boundaries. The sooner we learn, the better. If I've grown up in a family that is really open and talks clearly about boundaries, then there's a very good chance that I'm going to hold myself and others to particular standards and have clear internal boundaries or external boundaries. I will not allow people to treat me badly and if they do, I can communicate honestly and openly about it. The people in my life will really know me.

Ultimately it is about getting to know the people around you. That for me, is what boundaries are about. Where do I begin and end and where do you begin and end? Just a constant, exciting exploration between people, all about getting to know and really respecting and appreciating the people that are in my life. Even if we have very different ideas of what is acceptable or not acceptable, at least I'm really understanding where the other person is coming from.

Boundaries are challenging but so very necessary. If any of this resonates with you or you struggle with boundaries, please reach out. If you know anyone that may benefit from this information, please share this. Counselling can help us address intimidating but essential components of life, that sometimes feel overwhelming. It is important to recognise that setting and maintaining boundaries is not a one-time event, but rather an ongoing process that requires consistent effort and attention. It can be challenging, emotionally charged and uncomfortable. While it may take some time for you to adjust, it is important to remember that boundaries are not selfish. Boundaries are a necessary tool for creating and sustaining a happy, healthy and fulfilling life.