Guilt and Shame

In today’s blog we will be discussing two very important results of addictive behaviours, guilt and shame. Guilt and shame are feelings that we all can relate to. I'm really speaking about them not only in terms of addiction to substances, but also in relation to addictive behaviours as well.

For those that aren't aware some of these would be behaviours such as eating disorders, sex addiction, porn addiction, gaming, gambling etc… These behaviours are often stigmatised in the same or similar categories as substance abuse. For more information regarding the negative effects of stigma and how to arm ourselves against them I have previously uploaded a blog on the topic which you can find here: https://www.thesanctuaryconsultancy.com/post/the-effects-of-stigma-surrounding-addiction

What is Shame?

In terms of guilt and shame, it is important to be able to differentiate between shame and embarrassment. Think of the last time you fell in public. As we pick ourselves up from our fall (assuming we aren’t too hurt) we quickly feel embarrassed and look around to see the reactions of any witnesses. This is embarrassment, while it is an unpleasant emotion, it is far lighter than shame. Once we’re off the floor and carry on with our day its very unlikely that we will feel embarrassed for long, it's not such a big deal and we move on. Embarrassment isn’t really going to shake me up and change the way we live our lives. It's just a funny scenario. Real shame on the other hand, is very different.

Shame is the fundamental belief that there is something wrong with us, to the core of who we are. True shame often is formed in our childhood and carried through with us as we progress through life, a deep sense that we are fundamentally flawed.

For more information about shame, its many forms, how to spot it and how to cope with it follow this link: https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-shame-5115076

Where do I start?

Guilt and shame are deep, intimate feelings that stem from our relationship with ourselves. They are an indication of our level of self-worth and are indicative of the way that we relate to other people. For those of you that know me and work with me or have read my blogs and watched my videos, you'll understand; the work that I do with my clients in all areas of mental wellness is centred around creating a strong relationship with oneself. I fundamentally believe that our relationship with ourselves is of the utmost importance. So much of our own happiness is derived from within. It takes practice but to be successful in any relationship, be it romantic, familial, or platonic, one must first have a healthy relationship with oneself.

A good place to start is to pay attention to the thoughts we have about ourselves, monitor these thoughts, and begin to set our personal boundaries. It’s important to be honest and critical of ourselves, regarding our thoughts, motivations, and actions. It is also vital that we are understanding, accepting and above all able to forgive ourselves as we learn and grow along our paths through life. These boundaries work both ways, by being honest and critical we end up holding ourselves to a higher standard and motivating ourselves to progress and grow as people. But by being able to accept our past mistakes, learn from them and forgive ourselves for making them, we can promote a healthy mindset and an emotional environment within ourselves that promotes learning, progress, and self-love.

For more information regarding some small steps and daily practices to build your relationship with yourself follow this link: https://tinybuddha.com/blog/be-good-to-yourself-10-powerful-ways-to-practice-self-love/

By learning to take care of ourselves, and love ourselves, this new found self-love and self-respect will be reflected in the relationships around us. While this is a difficult practice to learn, setting these boundaries will allow for clear, honest, and progressive communication in our relationships with those around us. Once we have established our personal boundaries, we are also able to weed out the individuals from our lives that we can now see do not fit in with the calibre of person we aspire to become. While this can be a difficult thing to accept, setting these boundaries within us can be eye opening when we start paying attention to how we are treated by those around us. Remember, a true friend accepts who you are, but also helps you become who you want to be.

How do guilt and shame perpetuate addiction?

Often when I work with clients struggling with addiction. One of the greatest consequences is shame around the substance or behaviour. Very often one of the first things I do is pose the questions; Why do you want help? Why do you want to stop what has been happening? Help me understand why you feel shame or guilt over your actions. Often, I’ve found with my clients struggling with addiction that feeling of shame and guilt perpetuate a cycle of substance or behavioural abuse.

The cycle goes as follows: I'm feeling overwhelmed with guilt and shame over my past behaviour, I find myself needing to use my habit of choice to not have that feeling of guilt and shame. Then unfortunately, what tends to happen is they continue to have one great loss of control. It isn’t just the single instance of the specific addiction but what comes after. To stick with the example of alcohol, after having gotten drunk I could have shouted and screamed at someone again, or gotten into a fight, or just been drunk and disorderly then blacked out. I don't remember what I did. I feel so ashamed. Now the next day, I feel terrible about it again. I'm just going to have one drink so that the bad feelings stop and so this vicious cycle self-perpetuates again due in part, to these feelings of guilt and shame.

For some tips on how to break this cycle of guilt, shame and addiction give this a read: https://psychcentral.com/lib/breaking-the-cycle-of-shame-and-self-destructive-behavior#seeking-help

Addiction as a disease

Another part my process, is attending to the denial around being an addict. A lot of shame comes from not understanding that addiction itself is a diagnosable disease and should be treated as such. I have previously spoken about this in another blog called “The disease of addiction” which you can find here: https://www.thesanctuaryconsultancy.com/post/the-disease-of-addiction. In that blog we outline just a few of the reasons behind the now accepted definition of addiction as a diagnosable disease and its effects.

Unfortunately, most people are still unaware of the power addiction can have over an individual, even those struggling with addiction themselves. Often over the course of my career I have had clients ask me the same questions: Shouldn’t I be able to just control this? How do other people just stop? I've seen a friend just stop, what's wrong with me? This lack of understanding regarding the power of addiction and the process of recovery can be a huge contributor to an addict’s feelings of shame and guilt. Shame at their inability to get sober or fight their addiction and guilt over any relapses that may occur, and the behaviours associated with it.

Very often these feelings of guilt and shame combined cause an addict to rely on secrecy and deceit to enable them to partake in their addiction of choice and keep it secret to avoid or mitigate the feelings of guilt and shame associated with their addiction.

How guilt and shame cause deceitful behaviour

A client of mine recently shared with me how he would constantly phone and engage with his parents, several times over the course of an evening, while he was using. He did this to reassure them that he was okay. He would make up stories as to where he was, who he was with and what he was doing because he had promised them that he would stop using and was afraid of the fallout and shame that he would have to deal with if they found out he had lied to them and broken his word.

Once the truth came out and he had some open dialogue with his parents, he found out that they always knew something was wrong. In his state of high anxiety and panic while using he couldn’t stop to think about what this behaviour looked like from their perspective; receiving a phone call every few minutes just to tell them that he was okay and keep tabs on them. He did this compulsively because (especially in an intoxicated state) he would feel incredibly embarrassed and ashamed that he had broken his word, was using again, and was terrified of being caught.

It’s important for us to understand that one of the greatest impacts of addictive behaviours is the breach of personal morals. Often this is a slow and gradual descent into worse and worse behaviour, calling upon the need for deceit or subversion to avoid judgement from those around us and the shame we feel because of it. For example, an addict may start out holding themselves to a moral standard of not lying.

Say this individual goes out with some friends in an evening for a few drinks and while their friends start using any given substance our individual refuses to partake. However, when talking to their spouse or loved one later in the evening about their night out, they choose to not tell them about their friend’s drug use, hiding their friends’ actions through a lie of omission, to avoid concerning their partner regarding their friends’ habits. These lies of omission eventually snowball to a point where our example must choose to either come clean to their spouse, distance themselves from their friends, the environment that promotes the shameful activity, or they must cross the line and start lying to cover up their or their friends’ actions.

This is just one example of how this deceitful action, undertaken to avoid the confrontation, judgement or shame associated with being caught can cause an individual to breach their own moral code. This is compounded even further if they start using themselves! This type of environment (that fosters secrecy) is a self-perpetuating mechanism, once the first lie is told, a person must continue to lie until they either confess or get caught. In many cases the development of this secretive behaviour causes internal shame from the person lying because of their feelings of guilt as well as a projected shame and anxiety that they feel due to the anticipation of their loved ones’ judgement should they ever be caught. All this guilt, shame and anxiety can be overwhelming for anyone, particularly in the case of an addict.

These all-encompassing feelings of guilt, shame, denial, anger and anxiety trap an addict in a cycle of addiction, where they use or partake in their addictive behaviour to make the bad feelings go away but end up perpetuating those feelings because they are using again and enacting the same behaviours that have all of these dramatic effects on themselves and their loved ones. They reach out for the instant gratification and momentary relief that their addiction of choice provides instead of the hard-earned long-term relief and gratification that abstinence and the road of recovery provide.

Unfortunately, due to a lack of understanding of the nature of addiction as we discussed earlier, addicts often try to “punish” themselves for their addictive behaviour in the hopes of training themselves out of their addiction. These punishments often take the form of dietary restriction or binging and purging. I have often had clients say something like “I felt so guilty and ashamed for how I behaved, that I just refuse to eat as punishment”.

What happens when the truth comes out?

In my blog “The stigmas of addiction” I outlined how addiction takes many forms and affects people throughout all walks of life. Addiction can be an incredibly difficult thing to spot, especially in cases where individuals have more money available. Addicts can be exceptionally skilled at hiding their addiction to protect their habits. This unfortunately includes being able to mask their feelings. By making things look alright on the surface they can mask their addiction and protect their habit.

Addiction is a progressive disease, which means that it only continues to get worse as time goes on. Gamblers end up betting more money, alcoholics go through another bottle each night etc… Once the addiction progresses far enough observant friends and loved ones can begin to see through the cracks as the signs of the addiction become more and more noticeable. When the truth comes out it can often be surprising to those around the addict, who had no idea that this person even partook in their addictive behaviour let alone the extent of their addiction.

The truth coming out can be an extremely dangerous time for an addict, anxiety and shame due to their feelings of being judged by friends and family as well as guilt for their deceit can send an addict spiralling. Imagine if one of your deepest secrets was laid bare for your friends and family to see and talk about. Not only that but feelings of scrutiny will now follow them with every choice the make both in public and private.

Do guilt and shame affect those close to us?

Feelings of guilt and shame are not exclusive to the addict in these situations, and I think its important to take the time to address those of you readers who are friends or family to an induvial struggling with addiction. It can be an incredibly difficult thing to confront a friend or loved one regarding a suspected addiction or to push the issue further out of fear for upsetting or offending them. The accuser can often feel guilt for accusing them in the first place.

To take that one step further when dealing with a known addict and confronting them over their behaviour, a loved one can be forced to deal with feelings of guilt, paranoia or anxiety over calling them out for fear of causing an emotional spiral or relapse. Friends and family often also feel guilt over not recognising the signs or distress in their loved one sooner. It’s important for those of us that are trying to support a loved one through their addiction on the road to recovery to look after our own emotional wellness as well. Just like on an airplane when there is a drop in air pressure and the oxygen masks drop down, you need to ensure that your mask is on before you help the person next to you.

Feelings of guilt and shame can be a pervasive poison that can hinder an addict on their recovery journey or prevent them from reaching out for help in the first place. The same can be said for friends or loved ones who are afraid to confront their loved one or reach out for advice or help. Don’t let these feelings hold you back from reaching out for the help you need.

Final thoughts

Once again, addiction is an illness. It’s not a moral issue, it's a medical issue. There is no shame in seeking support for yourself or a loved one. No more so than for any other medical issue. If the content on this post has been helpful to you or you know of anyone that you feel could benefit from it, please help us get the word out by sharing. All of my contact information is available on the website if you would like to get in touch.

Keep looking after you and good luck along the path.

Toni